The Magnificent Dong of Dr. Manhattan.

Nobody needs me reviewing The Watchmen, but I’ll say this: I’m glad they didn’t censor Dr. Manhattan’s penis.

I mean that completley unironically and without any sarcasm.

There’s the obvious reason, of course: there was schlong in the original comic, and there’s no practical reason to change it in the film. We can skip the lecture on the necessity of changes in book-to-movie conversions that would otherwise go here; I know why things get cut and I’m usually the first to defend such cuts. The debate I had with my dad trying to convince him that the lack of Tom Bombadil from the movie was a good thing is legendary. What I’m talking about are changes for the sake of changing something. It doesn’t take extra screen time to show Doc nude. It doesn’t detract from the experience. There’s a good reason he’s nude. It’s part of his character. Etc.

But there’s a less obvious reason: we’re finally growing out of our moviegoing prudishness. I’ve seen more dick in my movies this past year or so than the entire previous two decades I’d been watching movies. I’m sure someone down in legal said something to the effect of, we can’t have this dude’s dick in the movie. I’m also sure this person said absolutely nothing about the female lead’s nipples, but whatever. We’re used to nipples. Nipples are old hat. There are nipples in every movie. Fortunately there was someone else who shut that first person up: why the double standard? Why is it okay to show boobies but not pee-pees? The first person had no response, and then got fired. (I hope.)

There’s an even more subtle reason, sprinkled on top of the first two: Watchmen isn’t a comic book movie. Yes, it’s a movie based on a comic book, but that’s not what “comic book movie” means anymore, is it? A comic book movie is a movie where a costumed super-hero gets his magic powers, is introduced to a villain, and then has a spectacular battle in which said villain dies by his own hand, thereby leaving the hero completely blemishless. People going to see Watchmen expecting that sort of thing are going to be wholeheartedly disappointed. If you can change your expectations, though, and watch it for the story it is and not the type of story it looks like, you might get more out of it. And honestly, nothing changes one’s expectations quite like giant blue cock.

I am apprehensive, though, that word-of-mouth will start to kill the movie. I mean, people are going to hear that some guy’s wang is in it and then they’re not going to want to see it, right? As a public service, I’m going to take some time and dispell a few common myths about the human pecker:

  1. I heard seeing some dude’s weiner will make me gay! I don’t want to be a gay!
    Totally not true! In fact, virtually every single character in Watchmen is formally introduced to the weiner with the exception of the two lesbian whores killed off in the first act. It is a matter of public record that one of Dr. Manhattan’s closest allies is, in fact, a queer-hating homophobe of the highest order. So fear not! Your sexuality is completely safe from Lil Manhattan. (Unless you were already kind of swinging that way anyway, I suppose.)
  2. Nudity is evil! Satan is naked!
    A fair point. However, consider this: Dr. Manhattan is, himself, a god. In fact, he might even be the God! Nudity must be okay if God himself condones it, right?
  3. Somebody think of the children!
    Somebody already did! The movie is rated R; nobody under 17 is permitted without an adult. So if you’re an adult and you don’t want your kids experiencing a ding-a-ling, don’t take them to see Watchmen. Because there is totally a ding-a-ling in this movie. (The completely amoral deplorable violence is probably okay, though.)
  4. I still don’t think I can handle an actual man’s actual dong.
    No worries! Dr. Manhattan is a blue guy with glowy eyes and every super power imaginable. He’s the most totally unrealistic character in the movie and, even though Watchmen is live action, he’s pretty much a cartoon character. Actually I’m pretty sure the offending dong is computer generated anyway. It’s all fake! Movie magic!

So there you go. It’s just a dick, people; get over it.

Completely unrelated observation: shoppers at Wal-Mart are, on the whole, a lot less considerate about blocking aisles and staying out of folks’ way than shoppers at Publix. Seriously if I’m standing behind you and politely say, “Excuse me,” you’re supposed to move your cart forward so I can get past, not shoot me a dirty look and go back to taking way too long to pick out a box of Pop Tarts.

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