Uncle Sam is My Homeboy

DO YOU HAS IT

Science proves that voting is way more awesome if you do it after a couple days without shaving. Peach fuzz is patriotic and I will fight anyone who says otherwise.

I voted, and it was awesome, and if you haven’t I am better than you. If you are reading this and it’s still before 7:00 p.m. on November 2nd, you need to get out there and help run this kickass country we live in. You can vote for governors and senators and amendments and all kinds of stuff. Commissioner of Agriculture? Sign me up. I’ll take two.

I don’t care who you vote for. You can vote Democrat or Republican, or you can split the difference, or you can flip a coin, or Christmas tree the ballot. I don’t care if you just draw penises in every circle in a desperate ploy to get your ballot featured on the evening news during the inevitable fluff piece about the difficulty of determining voter intent. I don’t care if you hate all the candidates and instead write in the entire cast of The Smurfs.

When you’re done, you get a pretty badass sticker, which kind of makes you a superhero. Except, instead of fighting crime you are fighting apathy and stagnation. Which, now that I think about it, are like crimes of the soul.

You know who votes? Batman. Actually, since he’s also Bruce Wayne, he gets to vote twice. That means that if you go out and vote, right now, you are automatically half as cool as Batman. There is no possible better reason for doing anything.

Thanks for letting me throw my stone in, America. Please continue to be awesome on into the foreseeable future.

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