Survivor: Retardsville, week 684

Survivor: Nicaragua

Why even bother doing episode recaps at this point? This season can just be distilled into a list of retarded things the players keep doing, over and over.

Does Marty know that his opposing alliance is allowed to split their votes? Like… he knows that, right? That the whole alliance thing is a mostly artificial convention, and that tribal council is really a pile of individual votes that can be targetted at as many people as are un-immune on a tribe? Players figured out a long time ago that they can flush out an immunity idol and still get rid of an enemy player if they have more than twice the numbers… which young La Flor does. At tribal council, when Marty finally realized what was about to happen, his power play was to mouth the words “vote Brenda!”

Then he made the boneheaded error of not playing his idol. I wanted to rant at the screen. How on earth do you sit through an entire tribal council listening to the leader of the alliance you are not a part of badmouth you, call you arrogant, and flaunt her numbers… and then decide not to play your magic idol? This isn’t like that time James got blindsided back in China, and left with an idol in each pocket. And it’s not like that time in Heroes vs. Villains where Russel “wasted” an idol despite not being in any real danger. James didn’t know he needed to play it. Russel thought he needed it when he didn’t. Marty knew he needed it and then didn’t play it.

The split came up three votes Marty, three votes Kelly B., which meant Marty was at the mercy of the revote. Fortunately, Brenda is every bit as retarded as he is, and didn’t take the opportunity to finish him. She sent Kelly B. and her fake leg home, which means not only is Marty still in the game, and not only does he still have his idol, but now the numbers aren’t even in place anymore to flush it later.

The worst part is that Marty probably believes the whole thing happened as part of some masterstroke he initiated. This man is so arrogant I’ll bet he’s proud of the turds he drops in the jungle.

Oh, but never fear — Espada is still retarded too.  None so much as good ol’ Naonka. Espada’s decision was down between Dan, who is some kind of lethargic blob creature who keeps talking about how he wants to quit, and Yve, the woman everyone decided was a schemer even though she probably can’t balance her checkbook without straining herself. Naonka was as torn as anyone, but in a confessional she laid it out for us. Summary: “If you want Dan, just tell me Dan. And if you want Yve, just tell me Yve. I’ll do whatever y’all want. That’s outwitting.” Then she winked at the camera.

Yep, Naonka, that’s pretty much the dictionary definition of the word “outwit”. You’ve got this game all sewn up.

In the end, Espada decided to nix the schemer and keep the old man who creaks and groans when he moves… despite this still very much being a tribal game. Now, I’m not saying voting out strong players in favor of weak is a losing strategy. Several players have specifically set out to weaken their own tribe, and made it work for them post-merge. That play requires that you have a strategy, though.  I don’t think anyone on Espada knows what the word means.

I was amused that Holly and Jill ended up winning immunity. Amused, but not entertained. It’s been that kind of a season.

Who’s gonna win? Fabio. He’s going to trip and dumbfuck his way to the end, but then he’ll get his winner’s check taken away from him when he forgets to word his acceptance speech in the form of a question.

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