The Omegle Sandwich Files

There’s this new website called Omegle that exists solely to connect you to a one-on-one chat with a completely random person. Yes, this is the worst idea in the history of the entire internet.

I decided to do some sandwich research. In the conversations below “You” refers to me, and “Stranger” refers to whichever random person Omegle hooked me up with.

My research didn’t start out very well.

Case One: No response

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: Hi, I am conducting a survey on sandwiches.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

I think people just instinctively turn tail when they hear the word “survey”. I decided to try a more casual approach with my next stranger.

Case Two: Philly Steak

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: Okay, let’s talk sandwiches.
Stranger: lol ok
You: What is your favorite sandwich?
Stranger: philly steak
Stranger: you?
You: Good choice. About 34% of all responders have said that.
You: Me, I like a classic grilled cheese. No frills, just cheese and bread.
Stranger: alrighty
You: I just talked to a guy who didn’t like sandwiches. I called the cops on him.
You: What would you say is the most sandwich-like food you enjoy, that is not precisely a sandwich itself?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

I think mentioning the authorities scared this stranger off. I honestly didn’t mean to come on that strong. My next stranger was a wild success, though!

Case Three: Frickin’ burger

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: YO
You: Hi. What is your favorite sandwich?
Stranger: FREESTYLE RAP BATTLE GO
You: I am way, way too white to rap.
You: But if you want to rap about sandwiches I will be sure to include it in my study.
Stranger: YO. I like to make cheese
with some turkey on there please
If you see me on the street
you’ll see that’s all that I eat
You: SHIT YEAH
Stranger: OOOOOHHHHHHHHH
You: This has been the most enjoyable sandwich connection yet.
You: Word up.
Stranger: what’s your favorite ‘which
Stranger: ?
You: Classic grilled cheese. Nothing fancy. Pickle on the side.
Stranger: I used to work a Steak n Shake
You: Free burgers?
Stranger: and people would order grilled cheese sandwhiches
Stranger: I never got why they did that . . .
Stranger: I mean, buy a frickin’ burger
You: How much does a grilled cheese cost at Steak and Shake?
Stranger: I don’t know, but I’m willing to bet it was more than if one were to make it him or herself
You: Now I could have a milkshake with my grilled cheese.
You: Nothing wrong with that
Stranger: meh
You: Well I have to get back to my survey. Thanks for the rap.
You: Keep it real brother.
You have disconnected.

The freestyle rap was so good, I had to get another one. Would my next stranger be up to the task?

Case Four: Good at Xbox

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: why are you here?
You: I’m conducting a survey about sandwiches.
You: What’s your favorite sandwich?
Stranger: …hmm
Stranger: what better place?
Stranger: well I enjoy hoagies
Stranger: I’m american
Stranger: I have to say I’m surprised
You: Like from a franchise (Subway, Quizno’s, etc)? Or from a deli?
Stranger: from my mum
You: Homemade. Excellent choice.
Stranger: always man
Stranger: that’s why I live at home
You: The last guy did a freestyle sandwich rap.
You: Think you can top that?
Stranger: oh please
Stranger: man
Stranger: I went to a deli to eats me a sannich, it’s 100 degrees and I don’t know where my hand went
You: nice
Stranger: I slapped a hooker, for lookin at me wrong…I’m good at xbox, but I’m petter at pong
You: Are there any sandwich games on Xbox?
Stranger: ever heard of burger time?
Stranger: jeez have you been living in a cave, it’s all the rage right now
You: Yeah, that’s old school.
You: Didn’t know people still played it. (I am 45)
Stranger: this here stranger, is living in a cave…he didn’t know, burger time was all the rage
You: So that answers my next question, which is “do you consider a hamburger to be a sandwich”
Stranger: hells naw
Stranger: the burger is all about the bun
Stranger: and see, that’s why they make sandwich meats
You: So what is the perfect side-dish to go with a sandwich?
Stranger: a hamburger is the meat AND the selection
Stranger: it’s called a hamburger and you put it on a hamburger
Stranger: and SHIT….THERE’S NO HAM IN A HAMBURGER!
Stranger: this is some matrix shit, you got me thinking now
Stranger: PICKLE!
Stranger: nothing beats a zesty dill
You: 87% of all responders have said pickle. It’s a classic.
Stranger: no…a VLASSIC
Stranger: I’m going to go beat off
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Another great sandwich rap! I probably could have gotten more out of him but I guess he had more important things to do. The next one went really smoothly.

Case Five: Rueben

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: oh hai
You: Hi, do you have time to answer three sandwich-related questions?
Stranger: i guess
You: What is your favorite sandwich?
Stranger: rueben
You: Do you consider hamburgers to be a type of sandwich?
Stranger: nope
You: Interesting. Final question: what is the perfect side-dish to go along with a sandwich?
Stranger: some fries
Stranger: thar you go, have fun with that
You: Thanks. Anything sandwich-related you have to share that I can put in my study?
Stranger: not at all, but i had a good time
Stranger: bye
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Well you can’t ask for a simpler response than that! I decided to revisit the freestyle rap angle, except I thought I’d switch it up and get a haiku. Unfortunately, the stranger had other plans.

Case Six: AE RC8T Truggy

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: Can you write a haiku about sandwiches?
Stranger: no
Stranger: whats your opinion on the AE RC8T Truggy
You: Oh man I am all over that shit.
Stranger: yee
Stranger: me converting one to brushless
You: I’m gonna get like seven or eight of them.
Stranger: with a mmm combo on 4s
You: Sleep with one under my pillow.
You: Gonna be tight.
Stranger: yee
You: I’m gonna get mine all tricked out. Rims and shit.
Stranger: seriously?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

I’m not entirely clear what a Truggy is. It might be a sandwich. I don’t know. I had to find out how far strangers would go to get a sandwich. I decided to put my next stranger’s morality to the test.

Case Seven: Starving children

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
Stranger: oi
You: Would you take a starving child’s sandwich to save your own life?
Stranger: holla
Stranger: heell yeah
Stranger: would u?
You: Would it matter what kind of sandwich it is?
You: I’m the one asking the questions here.
Stranger: no
Stranger: any sandwich
You: Are there any other foods you would steal from starving children?
You: Would you eat a starving child to save your life?
You: Would you eat a starving child for your own amusement?
Stranger: no
Stranger: no no
You: Can you write a haiku about sandwiches?
Stranger: no
Stranger: can u?
You: Sure, for $65.
You: That’s my haiku fee.
Stranger: thats too much
You: Haiku writing is a very competitive field.
You have disconnected.

So there you have it; this stranger would steal any sandwich from a starving child to save his own life, but not for his own amusement. He also is apparently allergic to haikus. I just had to get a haiku. I had to. I decided to try again.

Case Eight: Lickin chicken

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: chicken licken
You: Is that a kind of sandwich?
Stranger: yep
Stranger: lickin chicken
You: Interesting. I’m not familiar with it.
Stranger: u shoudl be
You: Describe it to me. In haiku.
Stranger: interesting taste
Stranger: not to much chicken pieces
Stranger: just right for eating
You: Perfect. Absolutely perfect.
Stranger: i know
Stranger: sayonara
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

I can honestly say that is the best haiku I’ve ever read about a chicken sandwich in my life. I went with a more direct approach for my next stranger.

Case Nine: BLT

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: help
You: No smalltalk. Favorite sandwich. Go.
Stranger: BLT
Stranger: end of story
Stranger: I win
You: Hell yes. That is the correct answer.
Stranger: thank you sir have a great nite
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

This was the first guy to get the answer right. I was impressed. What other strangers would understand the glory of the BLT?

Case Ten: Conficker virus

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: = CONFICKER VIRUS UPLOAD COMPLETE =
You: If a BLT and a Philly cheesesteak got in a fight, who would win?
Stranger: blt
You: Really? Are you sure? Steak is manlier than bacon.
Stranger: I am sure
You: Okay, I was just testing you.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

I don’t know what the CONFICKER VIRUS is or how this stranger uploaded it through the Omegle chat, but it doesn’t seem to actually do anything. (At least, nothing sandwich-related.)

Case Eleven: Cum sandwich

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey
Stranger: fuck me
You: Heavens, no.
What is the nastiest sandwich you have ever eaten?
Stranger: cum sandwing
Stranger: sandwich
Stranger: n u
You: That sounds really bad. Why would you eat one of those?
Stranger: i was really drunk
Stranger: hahah
You: Liquor is the devil’s plaything.
Stranger: i’m atheist
You: I will pray for you.
You: And your sandwiches.
Stranger: ok
Stranger: bye bitch
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

This stranger was way, way too horny to talk about sandwiches. Also he called me a bitch, which I don’t think is very nice. The next guy was a challenge, but I eventually cracked him.

Case Twelve: You are a dude

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Freestyle rap. Topic: sandwiches. Go.
Stranger: DISCONNECT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You: Not until you give me a rap. Step up.
Stranger: DISCONNECT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You: You are misusing the exclaimation point.
Stranger: YOU ARE A DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!
You: Your English teachers would cry.
You: I am the sandwich dude.
Stranger: YOU ARE A DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!
Stranger: DISCONNECT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stranger: DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You: No way. I’m gonna wait you out.
You: If you disconnect first, I win.
Stranger: YOU ARE A DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stranger: YOU ARE A DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stranger: YOU ARE A DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You: Am I a dude?
Stranger: YO I LIKE HAM ON MY BREAD, MY BREAD BE WHITE WHOLE GRAIN I GOT WEAR A NAPKIN SO I DONT GETTA STAIN ON MY T-SHIRT CAUSE IT WHITE LIKE MY BREAD THATS WHITE LIKE MY GIRLS CAUSE THEM MAKIN ME SAMMICH ALL THE TIME AND I KNOW THAT ALL YOU OTHER DUDES OUT THERE CANT GET NO SAMMICH MADE LIKE ME
You: That was fucking tight, nigga.
Stranger: DISCONNECT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stranger: YOU ARE A DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stranger: DISCONNECT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Stranger: YOU GONNA RAP OR WHAT MAN
You: Heavens no. I am too white to rap.
Stranger: LOL DUDE IM WHITER THAN YOU
You: I am the white sandwich dude.
Stranger: I GOTTA BOUNCE MY INTERNET OFF MY NEIGHBORS TRAILOR
Stranger: THATS HOW WHITE I AM
You: Thanks for the rap. Our business is concluded.
You: (I am a dude.)
You have disconnected.

It was tough getting this one to open up to me, but once he got over the idea of me being a dude he gave me a pretty good rap. By this point I was pretty sick of sandwiches, but before I packed it in for the night I figured I’d get one last haiku.

Black Ops Case Omega: 5/7/5

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hopler?
You: I need a haiku. Go.
Stranger: i think i am gay
Stranger: i do not know what to do
Stranger: i guess i will fuck a child
Stranger: nevermind i fucked that up
You: Man that was not 5/7/5. You fail.
Stranger: its 5/7/5
Stranger: fuck my life
You: It’s pretty bad.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Disaffected teenager writes bad haiku on crazy internet chat website, kills self in desperation. News at eleven.

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