Warlocks unite!

Back when I played World of Warcraft I used to keep a blog for my adorable gnome warlock. Every Saturday I share another of her adventures here. The following was originally posted April 7, 2006

Crystalis, the lovable warlock

Warlocks unite!

So have any of you cats been to Moonglade? It’s this silvery, sparkly forest in northern Kalimdor where a whole gaggle of druids have gotten together to form a little society away from both Alliance and Horde concerns. You’ve got night elves and tauren living happily side by side, united in their unending quest to burn insence and wear tie-dye.

For some reason, druids alone get a free pass from the faction war the rest of us are tirelessly embroiled in. And the odd druid who doesn’t want to be a tree-hugging hippy? I’m not really sure if such a creature exists, but theoretically they would be welcomed with open arms anywhere inside their faction, just as the rest of night elves and tauren are, no questions asked.

This, my friends, is intolerable.

Basically what I’m getting at here is that warlocks, not druids, are in dire need of a place like Moonglade. I mean, hell, we’re already ostracized from polite Alliance life as it is. I can’t walk down the streets of Stormwind without getting haughty looks from self-righteous paladins, or without mothers clasping their children closer to them. Not that I have any inclination to walk down the grimy, awful streets of Stormwind to begin with, just that it would be nice to have the option to do so without all the social stigma attached. I hear warlocks of the human and orc persuasions have it just as bad. Undead warlocks are pretty generally accepted within the Horde, so I’ve heard… but only inasmuch as undead are accepted at all. I guess it’s hard to carry a conversation with someone who smells like an unwashed trogg’s dirty laundry.

There are already precious few of us warlocks to begin with, so demanding is our path and so powerful our wills. That I’m automatically cut off from chilling with more than half of my bretheren thanks to some artificially mandated “war” between Horde and Alliance is insufferable.

I mean, what kind of “war” is based around capturing flags? Honestly.

So here’s what I propose: warlocks should band together and take over Moonglade. Kick the hippies out, they already have it made. Everyone loves the happy-go-lucky back-to-nature pot-smoking druid. No love for the demon-summoning dark-force-controlling speaking-in-tongues warlock. We’re the ones who need a place away from the war. That we’ll be communing with dark, evil spirits rather than the “voices of nature” is irrelevant.

First of all, no flight path. Right now the druids allow other people into Moonglade, as long as they make friends with the Timbermaw faction of Felwood first. You know what? Screw you guys. We’ll pay off those corrupt Timbermaw jerks and have a big ol’ hippogryph feast at our grand opening. Then we’ll hire a team of lazy, unambitious warlocks to work as full-time summoners. The only way into or out of Moonglade will be to be via Ritual of Summoning.

And while we’re at it, we’re changing the name from Moonglade to something more awesome. Just off the top of my head, I suggest Crystalis Glades. Yeah. That has a nice ring to it.

Just to make sure those sneaky, backstabbing druids don’t try to fight their way back in, I’ll have a secret cabal of talented warlocks whip up a spell to bind the souls of a few of those awesome Darnassus tree monsters. Oh man, just the thought of forcing one of those giant tree guys to squish a pansy druid between the roots of his toes makes my heart go all aflutter.

Best of all, though, it’ll be a place for warlocks to finally go where they won’t have to worry about people coming at them with torches and pitchforks. Be you human or gnome, orc or forsaken… at long as you bind the immortal souls of the damned to do your bidding, you’re good to go in Crystalis Glades.

Hmm. Looks like I have my work cut out for me. First step, I guess, is to travel to Moonbrook via the ill-conceived public flight path, and scout the place out. Then I’ll need a contact in the Horde to coordinate my efforts. I’m getting really excited about this. Maybe if we’re really lucky all those druids will be so disheartened that they’ll quit turning into cats and birds and whatever and get real jobs for a change.

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