Can you believe what weaklings the Horde are?

Back when I played World of Warcraft I used to keep a blog for my adorable gnome warlock. Every Saturday I share another of her adventures here. Today’s not Saturday, but I have something better to update with tomorrow. The following was originally posted August 8, 2006.

Crystalis, the lovable warlock

Can you believe what weaklings the Horde are?

I know, I know… I’m a gnome and therefore I’m in the Alliance and I should hate the Horde and blah blah blah. Look. Call it racism, call it patriotism, I have no use for it. As far as I’m concerned, both the Horde and the Alliance are equally useless to me. I doubt my life would have been considerably different had I been born an orc, except I wouldn’t have so many conversations with the knees of other people. I guess I wouldn’t be on Uncle Sideburns’s Winter Festival list either, but that’s no big loss.

Point is, I only pay lip service to the Alliance because I know that if I don’t I’ll be branded an outcast and life would be pretty unbearable for me. Likewise, as an orc I would have to at least behave while the Horde high-ups were watching, or suffer the same fate. Whichever side of the divide you’re on, you only have to look at the sad lot of a Skullsplitter Troll or a Defias Human to know what happens to those who shun their race’s faction. You probably never noticed because you were too busy murdering them for sweat or bandanas or whatever, but there you have it.

So believe me when I tell you that I have a great deal of contempt for the Alliance and its practices, while at the same time having a great deal of respect for the Horde and their struggle. Politics isn’t my game, but I can sit back and look objectively at what’s going on.

That said, I’m consistantly amazed at what unbelievable weaklings the Horde are. An entire coalition of races declares war on them and what do they do? They sit back and take it. Need proof? Here you go:

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Barrens. The Barrens is a big empty savanna in central Kalimdor with zebras and giraffes and kodos and stuff, but not a lot else. Oh, unless you count an Alliance flight path.

Seriously, there’s this goblin town called Ratchet there, and recently they’ve opened up a flight path that caters to both Alliance and Horde. This is a double whammy — not only is the Cartel profiting from an entirely new Alliance service in Horde territory, but they’re also skimming profits away from the Horde that once went to the wind rider guys in Camp Taurajo and Crossroads. Why in the world are the Horde allowing this!?

Take a good look: Ratchet is a short march away from Crossroads, one of the most important Horde outposts in Kalimdor. Likewise, it’s sandwiched in between Durotar and Mulgore, the two most prominent Horde seats on the continent. In no short terms, these Alliance scumbags are trompin’ all over Horde territory right under their noses and nobody is stopping them!

Now I know what you’re thinking… Ratchet is neutral ground run by the Steamwheedle Cartel. Gods know once those goblins get their claws (and their gold) into something, it’s hard to get rid of them. All I’m saying is, do you think the dwarves would put up with it if some uppity goblins set up a wind rider outpost on the shores of Loch Modan? Of course not, and the dwarves don’t even have flying ships to carpet bomb the place if need be.

I doubt Warchief Thrall reads my blog, but in the off chance he does, look big guy, I’ve got a suggestion for you. Collect about two hundred of your biggest, ugliest orc warriors and send them into Ratchet and tell those gobs to cool it. Slap a cease and desist on them, with an axe or a trebuchet if need be. You’ve got pasty-skinned Stormwind white boys flying in from who-knows-where, slaughtering your animals, tromping around in your dungeons, and laying siege to your Crossroads. Isn’t it bad enough you’re already embroiled in a neverending war with a tribe of elves who want to keep you from cutting down trees? The Alliance already thinks you’re a joke. Do something about it.

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