The Omegle Files: Batman Edition

It’s a matter of public record that nobody can beat up Batman. But I wondered… is there anyone Batman can’t beat up? To find out, I went to the internet’s #1 source for up-to-date factual information: Omegle.com. Surely the wisdom of randomly selected nameless strangers could help me get to the bottom of this mystery!

In the conversations below “You” refers to me and “Stranger” refers to the random person Omegle hooked me up with.

Case #1: Batman vs. Chuck

You: Name someone Batman could not beat up.
Stranger: CHUCK NORRIS.
Stranger: Does that satisfy your question?
You: You don’t think Batman could beat Chuck Norris?
Stranger: NOBODY can beat up Chuck Norris.
You: Personally I think Chuck Norris’s exploits are over-exaggerated.
Stranger: I see that you are new to the internets.
You: I just got here today.
Stranger: I see.
You: I’m on a school field trip.
You: To the internets.
Stranger: Have you been disgusted by what you have seen?
You: Earlier today I saw a picture of a lady’s nude butt. That was pretty exciting, I thought!
Stranger: That was the nice side of the internets.
Stranger: But there is a dark side.
You: Like in Star Wars?
Stranger: Very much so.
Stranger: Except much worse.
You: Do you think Batman could beat up Star Wars?
Stranger: Tough call, but I would say yes.
You: Tell me more about this Dark Side.
Stranger: Once I tell you, I will have to kill you.
You: That’s fine.
Stranger: Here is a link that will introduce you to the dark side, and simultaneously make you want to take your own life.
Stranger: www.omegle.com
You: You just blew my mind.
Stranger: I am sorry, THERES A SPY CAPPIN INTEL G2G

So Batman loses to Chuck Norris, but wins to Star Wars. And I got to see a butt! This project is starting out swimmingly.

The next person grabbed hold of the conversation before I could ask her about Batman at all.

Case #2: Emily the Strange

Stranger: Emily the Strange here. Sugar Rush?
You: I would like one, thanks.

Emily then left without giving me the Sugar Rush she promised me. Bitch.

Case #3: The Alien Codex

Stranger: ㅗㅑ

That’s all this mysterious stranger wrote. The whole conversation was over in less than a moment. I… I think I may have made first contact, guys.

That’s all well and good, but we’re not getting anywhere on the whole Batman topic. Let’s re-focus and get back to what’s important.

Case #4: Robin

You: Name someone Batman could not beat up.
Stranger: Robin
You: Hmm. Good answer.
Stranger: I thought so
You: Could Batman bring himself to harm his own boy wonder? It’s a philosophical question of the ages.
Stranger: right
You: But okay, what if Robin was taken over by mind-controlling aliens and Batman HAD to beat him up.
Stranger: like when spiderman’s best friend became the green goblin
Stranger: oh….well…I suppose he could
Stranger: but he wouldn’t like it
Stranger: robin was a little femme
You: Batman doesn’t hit the ladies.
Stranger: yah
Stranger: catwoman
You: If Batman and Catwoman mated, the child would be some kind of flying cat thing with sonar.
Stranger: right….good idea for a new comic
You: I’ll talk to my guys at DC and get it rolling.
Stranger: I’m going to go get the IP rights on that igdea
Stranger: I’ll beat you to it!
You: I propose a race around the world. To the balloons!
Stranger: ha
Stranger: so…I’m guessing you’re 20/m/USA
You: Wow good guess, you’re exactly right.
Stranger: haha

I was bluffing about owning a balloon, so I guess this stranger gets away with stealing my cat/bat comic idea. Also he very obviously has psychic powers! I’m… I’m no match for him.

Case #5: Mr. LOCOMOTIVE

You: Name someone Batman could not beat up.
Stranger: ME
Stranger: I’m sooooo tough
You: Wow, really?
Stranger: Yeah
Stranger: I’m really strong
You: Can I have your autograph?
Stranger: I have huggee muscles
Stranger: SURE THING
You: Make it out to Funky Canteloupe.
Stranger: OKayOKAy
Stranger: Dear Funky Canteloupe
Stranger: this past 5 seconds I’ve been talking to you has been a thrill.
Stranger: I real thrill
Stranger: I am really strong
Stranger: and i have a big dick
Stranger: please love me
Stranger: Love
Stranger: Lava Lamp LOCOMOTIVE
You: I’m honored! Thank you.
Stranger: heartshugsandkisses
Stranger: OH NO PROBLEM
Stranger: Now that you know about me. WHo are YOU
Stranger: Funky Canteloupe?
You: I’m a college kid doing a project about who can beat up Batman.
You: For science.
Stranger: Ohohoh, college in the summer time my friend?
Stranger: THATS SILLY
You: I got held back because of drugs.
Stranger: Ohoh what a shame.
Stranger: Unless it’s steroids
Stranger: That I can understand
Stranger: I USE THOSE ALL THE TIME
You: Nah, heroin and PCP mostly.
Stranger: Ohoh I see.
Stranger: Well that’s cool.
Stranger: You’d never be able to beat up Batman like me though
Stranger: I’m such a tough cool hot sexy jock.
You: That is awesome.
Stranger: I PLAY SO MANY SPORTS
Stranger: WE LYKE SPORTz AND WE DUN’T CAR WHO KNOWZ
Stranger: I’M SHOOTING HOOOPS TO THE SUPERBOWL
Stranger: -by the lonely island
Stranger: it’s a song
Stranger: called “We like Sportz”
Stranger: or something likethat
Stranger: I don’t really remember
Stranger: The videos funny though!
You: I think we should invent new sports. Like goat catapulting.
Stranger: That sounds brilliant!
Stranger: My catapult would be red and shiny
Stranger: And would smell of lavender passionfruit express
Stranger: (my FAVORITE perfume)
You: It’s my favorite, too.
Stranger: Oh no way!
You: It reminds me of heroin.
Stranger: OH really?!
Stranger: MAN
Stranger: Maybe I should try some heroin
You: It’s really good, I think you’d like it.
Stranger: Oh Well we should do that sometime together
You: I have to get back to polling, thanks for the help Mr. LOCOMOTIVE.
Stranger: NO PROB
Stranger: WAIT
Stranger: BEFORE YOU LEAVE
Stranger: I hope you understand that I love you. And also that I’m posting this conversation of my friend Emma’s wall on facebook.
Stranger: Because it’s wonderful
You: Thank you. Say hi to Emma for me.
Stranger: Alright
Stranger: Will do
Stranger: PEACEOUT
Stranger: FOOL

Emma, if you’re reading this, please thank your friend for participating in my case study. Also, if he really started doing heroin, I am so so sorry that I ruined his (and possibly your) life.

Case #6: Real superheroes

You: Name someone Batman could not beat up.
Stranger: Bane.
Stranger: Bane beat the shit out of him.
You: Yeah, that’s true.
You: But in Batman Beyond Bane was just some old washed-up dude in a wheelchair.
Stranger: I think that might be the best panel in any comic ever. “Gotham, here is your hero. Take him, he’s yours” *Toss Batman off a building*
Stranger: Also, though I hate him, it’s really impossible to argue that anyone could beat Superman up.
Stranger: Unless that someone is Doomsday.
You: Superman doesn’t play fair. He has explodey-vision and can fly around and stuff.
Stranger: I mean, if you estimate the rate of speed at which Superman can move and react, sure Batman could pull out a Kryptonite weapon, but before he really even had a chance to, Superman could atomize him.
Stranger: He’d be Bat-fine-bloody-mist.
You: Nobody can beat up Aquaman either, on account of it’s not nice to hit retards.
Stranger: Yeah. True story.
You: So what would happen if Bane threw Superman off a building?
Stranger: Pretty sure he’d never even get the opportunity.
You: Bane taught an entire generation of comic book fans that doing drugs gives you superpowers.
Stranger: That’s why I do meth.
You: LSD gives you superpowers.
Stranger: Seriously. Let the cops come. They can’t be stronger than Batman.
Stranger: I do drugs and wear a leotard. They are the ones who are fucked.
You: The cops are just jealous they’re not allowed to have any drugs.
Stranger: Agree.
You: Note that no cop has ever been a superhero.
Stranger: I don’t think that’s true.
Stranger: That one black dude whose name escapes me was a cop.
Stranger: Luke Cage, or whatever.
Stranger: Some DC Universe guy.
You: Luke Cage is my favorite superhero ever.
You: I respect a man who calls his foes “jive-talking turkeys”
Stranger: Given enough time I might be able to think of another cop-turned-superhero.
Stranger: One of the Batgirls.
Stranger: Was Comissioner Gordons daughter, and a cop.
Stranger: I think
You: The real cop superheroes are the ones who ran in on 9/11.
Stranger: They are clearly not superheroes.
Stranger: Superheroes would have stopped the planes.
Stranger: And also probably not died.
Stranger: Superheroes aren’t into that dying shit.
You: Superman was busy saving someone’s cat out of a tree that morning.
Stranger: And if they do, they always come back to life.
You: Well I think I have all the data I need.
You: Thanks for your time.
Stranger: Yeah, rock and roll. You’ve been excellent.
Stranger: Don’t die, Megaman.

I get the impression that this guy really enjoyed talking with me about Batman. Rock and roll, cool guy.

Case #7: Batman vs. Chuck again

Stranger: hello Sir or Madam
You: Name someone Batman could not beat up.
Stranger: Chuck Norris
You: That’s a popular response today.
Stranger: best answer i can imagine, at least
You: What if Batman were from Texas, and had a beard?
Stranger: infinite stand-off
You: The beard sounds like it’s an important aspect.
Stranger: no more than Texas
You: Oddly enough, Texas itself does not have a beard.
You: Okay then, I’ll put you down for “Chuck Norris”. Thanks for your participation.

So there you have it: literally every bearded man in Texas is as tough as Chuck Norris.

Case #8: The right answer

You: Name someone Batman could not beat up.
Stranger: Nobody.
You: You’re the first person to get that right.
Stranger: Of course I am.
You: Give me your home address and I’ll mail out your trophy immediately.
Stranger: 5555 Wayne Dr. Gotham, New Jersey

Omegle encourages you to share personal information with the people you talk to, but this is the first person I came across to actually do it! Nice! Time to send him a thousand pizzas!

…a quick Google search later…

Curses! I’ve been had! Oh well, back to the study…

Case #9: Boston

Stranger: hey!
You: Hey!
Stranger: so where are you from?
You: Las Vegas
Stranger: nice, boston here
You: Does Boston have any superheroes?
Stranger: eh not really
You: Us neither, the mob pays to keep them away.
Stranger: we’re just more of a college town

We didn’t get around to talking about Batman. I was going to ask this guy some more questions about Boston, but he disappeared before I could… probably to do something college-y.

I figured now it was time to switch gears a bit. We now know what happens when you pit Batman against Chuck Norris or Star Wars… what about pitting him against the common man?

Case #10: Wizardry

You: If you committed a crime and were being chased by Batman, how would you escape?
Stranger: I would head to the jail. They’d never suspect I’d be there!
You: Gotham doesn’t have a jail, just an asylum.
Stranger: ….Oh. Well then I would enlist the aid of my trusty Firebolt and fly off to the safe haven of Hogwarts under Dumbledore’s watching wing
You: Now that’s a good plan.
Stranger: I thought so too
You: It’s common knowledge that Batman is allergic to wizardry.
Stranger: Exactly! However if I simply cast a spell on him that’d be too easy
You: So would you enlist your wizardry to commit the crime in the first place?
Stranger: No. I don’t need wizardry to commit check fraud
Stranger: which is my crime of choice.
You: It’s a victimless crime, like Hobo Hunting.
Stranger: ….my best friend was a hobo.
You: Until he was hunted by criminal wizards. Batman was powerless to stop them!
Stranger: they told me he was hit by a flying car…
You: That’s just what the liberal media wants you to think.
Stranger: Oh. I see. Well, I believe if Batman truly wants to fight evil he should go after that Voldemort chap
You: They don’t let Batman fight crime in the UK.
Stranger: Aw shit. Well i’m sure voldy will make a pit stop in Gotham some day
You: On that day, all of Gotham will come to ruination.
Stranger: I thought Batman would stop him?
You: Allergic to wizardry, remember?
Stranger: Oh yes. Well thank god we’ve got that boy with the funny scar
You: Well I gotta go. Sorry to hear about your hobo friend. =(
Stranger: BYE

I hope that guy was kidding about having a hobo friend. Otherwise I feel really, really bad about that conversation.

Case #11: Good advice

Stranger: mrs bakers hairy nipps
You: I can’t worry about that now. I robbed a bank and now Batman is chasing me!
Stranger: crap, run!

With that, this stranger immediately ended the conversation. It’s just as well; I apparently had more important things to do.


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