So I was expecting today’s blog post to pretty much just be “I AM PLAYING FF13 LEAVE ME ALONE” in giant bold letters… but then the PS3 was like “lol u need to update dudez” so I’m kind of just sitting here fondling the game box. So I guess I’ll review that.
Cover Art
On the cover is a cute pink-haired swordswoman I just so happen to know is named “Lightning”. I have been in love with Lightning pretty much every since they released the first shots of her back in, what was that? 1999? I think maybe FF9 had just come out. Christ this game has been in the works forever.
Anyway the title is on there, so that’s cool, and it has the traditional Final Fantasy “thing behind the title” design. It’s a globe or an orb or something. Not really sure. I think I see some faces on it? Anyway it is not as awesome as FF12’s kickass Judge Gabranth logo. That logo looked like it was gonna jump off the box and mess a bitch up. I don’t even think this sphere logo thing knows what a bitch is.
On the back are some screenshots and things. Pretty standard. I wish the PlayStation Network logo wasn’t on the front. It kind of ruins the pristine simplicity of the box art, you know? 7.5/10
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Material
The box is made out of the same plastic as every other PS3 box I’ve seen. The inside doesn’t have big chunks missing like most of the Xbox 360 games I’ve bought recently, which is nice. It’s like, where did those chunks go? Nowhere good, I bet.
The plastic doesn’t really taste like anything.
I’d give this a 10/10, but the FF12 box is made of kickass black metal. Based on the logo design and the make-up of the box itself, FF12 makes FF13 look like a piece of shit. 6/10
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Disc
FF13 comes on a single Blu-Ray disc. My mom still calls these things “CDs”. Oh well.
The disc is already in my PS3. I forget what the artwork on it looks like, and I’m afraid if I eject it now I’ll have to start this whole system update process all over again. ?/10
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Aerodynamics
I tossed the box across the room. It landed on the futon with a kind of dull “thump” sound. I went and retrieved it before my dog could investigate. I didn’t throw it very hard… I don’t want to ruin my new game, you know? But I feel like if I gave it a bit of heft I could get some real distance out of it. 8/10 for distance, 10/10 for arousal of canine curiosity.
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PS3 Updates Screen
It is plain black and pretty boring looking… and going really really slow. It’s kind of pissing me off to be honest. I think they should replace it with a picture of someone kicking you in the dick, with a caption reading “shoulda got the 360 version, sucker!” I guess you’d need a PSEye for that, though. 0/10
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Instruction Manual
Inside the case was an insert saying I could retrieve a special item if I go to some website and punch in a code. So I guess I’ll do that now.
…
Okay, I’m back, and that was a pretty awful experience. The website was kinda confusing. Fortunately I already had login information saved from when I signed up for the FF14 beta earlier this week, but it still took me a minute or two to find the registration. Then my serial number didn’t work. The page has a “serial number font sample” on it so you don’t mix up your 0s with your Os, but it looks nothing like the goddamned font printed on my card. Whatever. I’m sure it was just like a Potion or something anyway.
The manual itself has color pictures in it, and lots of fancy terms for every aspect of gameplay you could possibly imagine. I’d read it if I weren’t convinced the first ten hours of gameplay would be forced tutorial sections. Anyway, flipping through it is pretty OH HOLY SHIT.
Sorry. One of the last pages has a photo of this freaky snakewoman lady who looks like she wants to eat me. Jesus, who is this woman? Leona Lewis? You are horribly ugly and your lipstick makes you look like you just sucked the life force out of a hobo. x_x/10
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I’d keep this up but the game is starting now. Have fun Final Fantasy-ing, guys!
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