There is a vast worldwide conspiracy keeping me from finishing Vlog #016.

Today, it’s the weather. Since this is the only working computer in the house that can edit video I am super-paranoid during storms; at the first sign of thunder it gets powered-down and unplugged. And it’s been thundering out there all day long. Grumblecakes!

Since I don’t have time to get Vlog #016 edited and uploaded before my 5pm deadline, I’ll scrap what I had planned for Vlog #017 and do a regular blog post about it instead. Here’s my take on everybody’s favorite redneck sport, Cheese Racing!

The rules of Cheese Racing are simple: everyone throws a packaged slice of American cheese on a hot grill. The cheese starts to bubble and boil, bloating the package. The first slice to lift all four corners completely off the grill wins.

There is some strategy to this art. You want to avoid cold spots on the grill, because your cheese won’t boil. You want to avoid really hot spots, too, because you don’t want your cheese to spring a leak and peter out. (Although sometimes I hear melted cheese will actually cool and weld a leak back together, which is like, layers upon layers, man.)

If you have a couple hours to kill, hit up the Cheese Racing videos on YouTube. This is serious business. There are Cheese Racing leagues and competitions and tournaments. I’m sure if these people had their say, Cheese Racing would be an Olympic event.

There’s a debate over whether the crease in the packaging should go up or down. On one hand the crease is the weakest part of the cheese, so you’d want to keep it as far from the heat as possible. On the other, you don’t want your cheese to boil upward and push its way out of the crease either. It’s the “laces in/laces out” debate, only with processed food.

What I’m curious about is where this prestigious sport got its start. At what point did someone throw an unopened slice of cheese on a hot grill? It’s not like they were just trying to grill up a piece of cheese and forgot to remove the wrapper. Maybe they were trying to put the cheese on a burger, and it slipped, and they just decided to leave it there for whatever reason? Who knows. A national pasttime was born, so don’t question it.

Anyway, something to keep in mind when you’re thinking of fun activities at whatever Independence Day barbecue you land in this weekend. Be patriotic; race some cheese.

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