From 2005 to 2008 I maintained a blog about my experiences working in the drug test industry. Every Sunday I revive one of those experiences here. The following was originally posted April 11, 2006.


The people I deal with on a daily basis sometimes infuriate me, sometimes bore me, and sometimes even delight me… but only rarely do they honestly creep me out. That was until yesterday, when I met Old Man Shortshorts.

Old Man Shortshorts was a tiny, wrinkled scab of a man. He stood about five-foot-nothing. He wore a t-shirt advertising the 1999 Senior Fun Walk and a pair of tiny red shorts, showing off the mass of his liver spot encrusted legs. His voice was gravely and harsh, just one step above the guy who needs the handheld voice-box held up to his throat to speak. This alone was creepy enough, but then in walked his wife.

Lady Shortshorts had to have been my age or younger. She was a good six feet tall. I’m certain she was his wife and not, say, his granddaughter because they wore matching wedding bands and he kept on grabbing her butt. She had a thick European accent I had a hard time identifying. The whole situation just freaked me out something bad.

Old Man Shortshorts didn’t do anything remarkably annoying. His collection was smooth and painless; he didn’t ask stupid questions, he didn’t complain about the pockets thing or the wallet thing or the ID thing. But the fact remains that he bought a European woman less than one-third his age. Ew. Just ew.

I wanted to shower vigorously after Old Man Shortshorts and his knockout foreign wife left my office.

I guess maybe I’m being unfair. For all I know it could be true love. But it’s still creepy true love.

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