Phone games.

Good morning. Patient service center.

“Is this for the drug test?”

This is a drug test collection site, yes.

“I need to get a phone number.”

Okay, what number?

“His name is Joey Smith.”

…I’m sorry, who?

“Joey Smith, he called you this morning about a drug test.”

I don’t have a phone number for anyone named Joey Smith.

“Yes you do, he said he called about 8:30.”

Ma’am, I don’t have any way of knowing the phone numbers of people who call me.

“Yeah you do, it’s called Caller ID.”

I don’t have a Caller ID.

“What do you mean you don’t?”

I mean, I don’t have one. The only time I know someone’s phone number is if they tell it to me.

“So you won’t tell me Joey’s?”

Even if I could, I wouldn’t release that information. Sorry.

“Mother[explitive deleted]!”

Click.

Ring ring.

Good morning. Patient service center.

“Finally he decides to answer the phone! Jesus Christ! I’ve been calling you for the past twenty minutes!”

Yes, I know. I heard the phone ring.

“So why don’t you ever pick up!?”

I was busy helping other clients. What can I help you with?

“I need some [explitive deleted]ing directions, but nobody there apparently knows how to use a phone so I’m just drivin’ around in [explitive deleted]ing circles here. What is wrong with you, man?”

Calm down please. Tell me where you are, and I might be able to help you find my office.

“You need to hire someone to answer your [explitive deleted]ing phone, it pisses me off when people get paid six dollars an hour to do an easy piece of [explitive deleted] job and they don’t even do it. Okay? Okay?”

…sir, I’ll help you with directions, but first you need to lay off the abusive language.

“It’s too [explitive deleted]ing late now, I already pulled over and pissed in a gas station. It was either that or piss my [explitive deleted]ing pants. I called like five times but noooo, you’re too busy [explitive deleted]ing around to worry about it.”

You could have left a message. I have an answering machine that not only records messages, it gives my address and location as well.

“I hung up on that piece of [explitive deleted], is it too much to ask to talk to a live person anymore? Jesus Christ.”

Apparently so sir. Do you need directions or not.

“Oh so now you’re going to give me [explitive deleted]ing attitude? This is unbelievable. Un-freaking-believable.”

I’m glad we had this chat, sir. But now I have to hang up and help some more people who are coming in. Have a nice day.

“Wait you motherf–”

Click.

Ring ring.

Good afternoon. Patient service center.

“–don’t even believe Shaunda would do that to him, you know what I mean? I mean, [explitive deleted].”

Hello? Patient service center.

“Oh [explitive deleted]! My bad! Yeah I was wonderin’ do you all have a office in Iowa?”

No ma’am, just this one and the one in Tampa.

“Because my husband, he just got a job, an’ he need to do a drug test, but he in Iowa right now, and he need to start his new job.”

We’re a Florida-based company, ma’am. We just have the two offices.

“Right, but, what I’m sayin’ is, he in Iowa.”

I’m afraid I can’t help you.

“He say he paid for a drug test, but his new job won’t take it. Like, it was the wrong lab, or somethin’.”

That doesn’t surprise me, most of our clients work through one lab, only. He’ll have to do his collection at one of our two offices.

“So where are you at in Iowa?”

Ma’am, we do not have any offices in Iowa.

“So what he gon’ do?”

I’m afraid I can’t help you, ma’am.

“[Explitive deleted]. So what Shaunda do then? I don’ even believe–”

Click.

Ring ring.

Good afternoon. Patient service center.

“You do drug tets?”

Yes sir.

“My job says I have to do a drug test.”

Okay.

“It’s for [company name].”

They’re one of my clients.

“So I can do a drug test for [company name]?”

Yes.

“And it’s for my job?”

…yes.

“Oh okay, I was just makin’ sure you do drug tests, ’cause my job is sendin’ me down there for a drug test, and I was just makin’ sure.”

Okay.

“Aight.”

Click.

Ring ring.

Good afternoon. Patient service center.

“Yeah, hi. I was in for a drug test on [insert date here] and haven’t received the results, I was just wondering what you all did with it.”

Was this for employment?

“Yes.”

In that case all the results go directly back to your employer. You’ll have to call them.

“No, I mean, it was my drug test.”

Right. But the company that paid for the test will get the results. You’ll have to call them.

“No, this was MY drug test. I paid for it.”

So, it wasn’t for employment?

“No, see, I need to do one for employment, but I did one for myself first to make sure it was good. I paid for it.”

I’m sorry sir, I don’t do personal tests here.

“What do you mean?”

I mean, I only do collections for set clients. Nobody can just walk in, without first clearing it with my supervisors in Tampa.

“Oh, that’s what I did.”

No, sir, you didn’t. I didn’t do any personal tests at all last week. Or the week before. In fact, I’m pretty sure I haven’t done any since 2005.

“No, it was on [insert date here].”

Not at this office, it wasn’t.

“Is this [my company name]?”

Yes.

“On [my street]?”

Yes.

“That’s where I went. It was some girl in there.”

Sir, I’m the only person who works here.

“No, it was some girl, not you. She let me do a test and said I’d get the results the next day.”

Even if that were true, turnaround time on drug test results is 2-3 business days.

“That isn’t what she said.”

Sir, you must not have been in my office. I’m the only person who works here. I do not do personal tests.

“Let me talk to your manager.”

No problem. Do you have a pen?

“Why do I need a pen?”

You’ll have to call the Tampa office.

“No, just let me talk to him.”

Sir, I’m the only person who works here, as I’ve said. My bosses work at the head office in Tampa.

“So you’re screwing me out of test results, is that it?”

Sir, I don’t even get any results back at this office. The results all go to the head office, and are then delivered to the employer directly. Either way, you’ll have to get in touch with them. Now, do you have a pen?

“Forget it, then.”

Click.

Ring ring…