From 2005 to 2008 I maintained a blog about my experiences working in the drug test industry. Every Sunday I revive one of those experiences here. The following was originally posted June 28, 2007.
No, it’s an egg in a frying pan.
Everyone remembers the good ol’ “this is your brain… on drugs” commercials. Egg, frying pan, yadda yadda. Good stuff. Later on they released a remastered edition with a skanky white lady who, instead of frying the egg, smashes it with the frying pan and proceeds to completely demolish her entire kitchen, thereby proving that you don’t need to be on drugs to be a certifiable nutball. Well, one of the materials I’m responsible for shipping out to clients are tacky “drug-free workplace” posters that make the fried egg commercials look like masterpieces.
Some are inoffensive enough, like the ones that just have our company logo and phone number. Actually, flipping through our brochure, that’s the only one. The rest are… well… let’s just say they aren’t oozing class.
Take, for example, our Taco Bell dog rip-off. It features a picture of the owner’s dog saying “Yo no quiero drogas!” Never mind the fact that the Taco Bell dog hasn’t even existed in like five years, and the fact that every person on the planet was completely annoyed with it even when it was relevant… is anyone really going to re-think their entire outlook on drug abuse because a Photoshopped dog head told them to — in Spanish?
Speaking of Photoshopped heads, I really like the one where they just went in and collapsed the top of Mona Lisa’s head to prove marijuana shrinks your brain. They forgot to paste a doobie hanging off her cryptic smiling lips, though.
Our most popular poster features a cartoon frog and the message “get a grip on life.” I don’t have any idea why people love the frog so much. Either he’s related to the Geico saleslizard, or it has something to do with the fact that it looks a few shades less tacky than our other offerings.
If I had to pick a favorite, I’m afraid it’d come down to a tie. On one hand we have the “circle of friends” poster, detailing all the wonderful friends your life of drugs will introduce you to by showing a picture of four or five fat, sweaty white guys standing in a jail cell with their eyes blacked out. On the other we have the one with the pot leaf surrounded by every euphemism for marijuana my boss could think of, including a few I’m sure he made up. Being a 20-something suburbanite, I’ve met a few people who partake of this particular substance, and none of them have ever used the terms “bone”, “sinsemilla” or “hog leg” before… although, I’m sure at least one does now that I’ve shown him the poster.
Mostly these posters are just harmless fun. They get a chuckle from employers who put them up in break rooms and office cubicles, and make them feel good because they’re doing something to curb drug use in the workplace. Some of the information is tenuous at best, but there’s only one poster I really think we should discontinue: the one with a giant picture of Osama bin Laden, along with the phrase “Osama says: buy more heroin!” I don’t think I’ve ever had an order for this poster. Aside from the offensive implication that all drug users are terrorists, people probably just don’t want a picture of the man himself hanging in the office. Except, maybe, as a dart board.
So that’s what the peemeister does when not peemeistering: he prints out hilarious anti-drug propaganda on thick card stock and ships it to trucking companies and landscaping services all over this great country. God bless America, etc… just remember to stay away from the hog leg.
Another one of the slang terms used on the pot leaf poster is “sh*t”, which I believe is pronounced “shasteriskt”.