Back when I played World of Warcraft I used to keep a blog for my adorable gnome warlock. Every Saturday I share another of her adventures here. The following was originally posted February 19, 2006.
Beards are gross.
The thing that bothers me most about Azeroth is that every guy has a beard. Let me tell you guys something, beards are totally disgusting. Not one single dude in all the Alliance has a beard that is even remotely attractive. Especially you night elves. Seriously, what’s your problem? You guys look like some kind of crazed feral wolf-men. Every time I’m riding the Deeprun Tram, and there’s like some night elf dude hanging out there with me, I’m afraid his beard is going to jump off his face and try to crawl up inside my robes.
This one time I was hanging out at the inn in Goldshire with Rhaego, my dwarfling minion, and an entire grilled cheese sandwich fell out of his beard. I thought it was the most disgusting thing I’d ever seen in my life, until he picked up the sandwich and started eating it. I was so grossed out I felt like I was going to throw up, only I didn’t because I’m a classy lady.
Gnomes, though. Ugh. Gnomes have the worst beards of all. It’s completely impossible to be attracted to guys of my own species, because their beards are the most horrible things imaginable. Every male gnome in the world has this scraggly, horrible beard. It looks like face fungus.
And then you have the Horde, and they have awful beards too. To be honest though, I don’t think they’re quite as awful as Alliance beards. It’s like, when you meet an orc, you have this expectation that he’s going to be dirty and unclean, so having a scraggly patch of nappy face-fur isn’t quite so far off base. Then you have these tauren, and they’re pretty much just all beard. Whenever I see a tauren I set him on fire.
I think I figured it out though: the reason these guys are all walking around with atrocious beards is because there are no epic-level razors that drop off the bosses of enormous raid instances. I’m sure if a bottle of shaving cream were to pop up as a rare drop in Molten Core, they’d be killing themselves over it. I actually tried to make some shaving cream once using alchemy, and paid some guy 50 silver to try it out for me, but it turns out what I had made was actual face-fungus, and it ate his face. I took my 50 silver back from his corpse. I took his nice leather boots too. We were high up in the Alterac Mountains at the time, and my succubus was complaining that her hooves were cold.