Survivor: Nicaragua, week two

Survivor: NicaraguaBeing a few weeks behind on Survivor means everyone has something to say to me about it, you know, without spoiling it. The first person to talk to me about episode two talked about how crazy and retarded tribal council was. The second person to talk to me about it talked about how crazy and retarded tribal council was. And the third person to talk to me about it talked about how crazy and retarded tribal council was.

Tribal council was pretty crazy and retarded. I’ve now confirmed it with my own eyes.

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a group of bonafide dipshits play this game, but I get the sense that’s exactly what I’m watching. Personal vendettas. Property damage. Alliances being built on racism and homophobia. Lubby wubby high school drama nonsense. People who are willing to put their ego ahead of their standing in the game. It just goes on and on and on.

I’m actually pretty disgusted with the game as it sits right now. I know the drama and misery is why some people watch Survivor, but it’s not why I do. I watch it because I love the game… and nobody this season is playing.

Over at Shady Oaks Retirement Beach, Holly has a little breakdown after her bestest-friend-in-the-whole-wide-world-for-three-entire-days got voted off. First she yells at someone and throws out their food. Then she destroys some dude’s $1600 shoes. Then she apologizes for it, insisting she wants to play with honesty and integrity. Then she thinks about quitting. Then she starts crying. Come on, guys. There must be a million people out there who wanted to play Survivor this season. Why did you go and cast Looney Tunes?

And the $1600 shoes? Why, that’s just further evidence of how clueless this group is.

Remember last week when Dumb Girl and One-Legged Dumb Girl over on Sunny Shines Preschool Beach found the immunity idol clue, but decided to give up without looking for it? They were idiots. Fortunately, Jill and Marty are not idiots, and found their tribe’s idol in short order. Congratulations, guys, you are officially in the lead simply by virtue of having the most powerful game token in your possession.

I am neither impressed with nor entertained by Sassy Black Chick. I’m not talking about Naonka here, specifically, although I do hate her and I do wish she was gone. What I mean is I am kind of over the generic Sassy Black Chick character that gets cast every season, time and time again. Wide open mouths, wagging index fingers, fiesty attitudes. Gets voted out less than halfway to the merge, because even her “allies” cannot stand to be around her. Sassy Black Chick offers this game nothing. Absolutely nothing. She will never win, she will never place, and she will never show us anything new. It’s time to retire the character.

You know who I like this season? Fabio. He’s a big dumb lovable goof. It makes me sick to my stomach that my favorite character this season is someone who barely even knows what game he’s playing, but there it is. I’m buckled in. It’s gonna be a long season.

I’m gonna skip to the end of my notes. Oldies win immunity, thanks in part to their magic medallion. So skip ahead to tribal council, where this redneck dude Shannon just goes off. Can you believe how badly this poor man was betrayed? I mean — get this — some dude told him he was going to vote with him, right? Then that dude, like, he’s all, voting against him. That has never happened ever in the history of Survivor! How dare he!

Shannon and Naonka spent the entire tribal yelling at and insulting everyone, because they don’t care about winning a million dollars. The crowning glory of Shannon’s defense was to call another man gay for living in New York. Because, you know, that’s where the gay people live. In New York. There are lots of them there, way more than in Louisiana.

You know what else New York has a lot more of than Louisiana? Millionaires. Now you’ll never be one, Shannon.

Who’s gonna win? Who cares. All these people suck. I’m sticking with Russell from last season.

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