Flimsy little strips.

But, there it is.

The job of the temperature sticker is to give a handy visual display whenever a sample is too hot or too cold. The idea is that the inside of a human body is of a certain temperature, and anything that comes out of the human body will likewise be of a similar temperature. If it’s too cold, it means the sample was likely sneaked in from outside. If it’s too hot, it means the cheater was at least smart enough to spin it in a microwave first.

Or, it could mean the temperature sticker is acting up.

A call from my boss. “A guy is going to come in for a DOT test. He already walked out on one collection because he says the temperature sticker was broken.” That’s bad news. Walking out on a DOT collection means you could lose your commercial driver’s license — and therefore your job. My boss continues: “I told him to go over there and do another collection. I don’t know if it will do him any good, but it’s not like he has anything to lose at this point.”

Make no mistake, this guy is already screwed. That other lab, whomever they are, have to report a cold sample for any DOT collection. The specifics aren’t important; basically what it means is that the lab has to file some paperwork saying that So-and-so refused to take a drug test. The cold sample will be sent to the lab and scrutinized. Maybe it’s unfair, but this guy is now in so much more trouble because he tried to cheat and then refused a retest than he would be in had he just gotten caught with pot in his system.

Let me put it this way. A positive result might have gotten him fired, but he could then go find work in his field elsewhere. A refusal to test means no more license — which means no more getting hired anywhere.

The way I understand it, when you get a commercial driver’s license your name goes on a list. Your employer by federal law has to drug test half his employees every year. Now, these test results are randomly audited. If a file gets pulled and looked and it says So-and-so refused to test, that employer gets a call. If So-and-so is still working there, the employer gets slapped with a hefty fine. It’s not in an employer’s best interests to go to the mat for you on this, and it’s been my experience that they are not sympathetic.

When So-and-so shows up, I can tell right away he’s not going to try and pull anything. He’s had a long conversation with my boss. He realizes exactly where he messed up and now he’s got the look of a chased deer in his eyes. He asks lots and lots of questions. He asks if I think it’s fair if I lose my job because of a drug test. Which, of course, I do. And anyway it doesn’t apply to me. For one, I don’t have a commercial driver’s license and for another, I don’t do drugs.

He asks lots of other things. Oh, the other guys didn’t make me wash my hands before I went in. Does that invalidate the test? “Well, no. It just means different companies have different procedures.”

The other guys asked for a list of medications. Why haven’t you? “Well, I don’t have any medical training. Maybe their collector did.”

He asks if he can be present during the actual test. “You’ll have to call the lab and ask them.”

And finally, he asks about the flimsy temperature strips. He asks what percentage of them don’t read correctly.

“Honestly,” I reply, “I’ve never seen one not work.”

And that’s the truth.

Tiny, stupid little pieces of black paper. But they’re perfectly reliable — at least in my experience.

I know sometimes people come in here and break the rules. And they get away with it. And I don’t mind that. But sometimes people come in and the rules break them instead. Even giving this So-and-so guy the benefit of the doubt… let’s say that first strip was broken. He still walked out. He still slipped up. He’s still out of luck.

He’ll lose his job and probably his license, all because of a little strip of paper that changes colors when it warms up.

If you don’t know the difference between a DOT drug test and a regular drug test, don’t worry. That just means you probably will never have to take one.