Ain’t random.

He says random sarcastically, and makes mock quotes with his index and middle fingers. I can tell immediately that this one is going to be a battle.

“I’ll tell you how it works, man. My boss knows I’m the only guy in the shop that’ll come up clean, so when it’s time to do a random test, he sends me down. Random my left nut.”

I tell him to sign in, and he does, although begrudgingly. Despite his assurance that he’s the only clean worker at Shop X, nine other Shop X employees have been in today. Random selections, you see.

“I don’t have any idea how something can be random if my name gets pulled every single week, you know? What do you think of that?”

“I think it’s something you ought to take up with your employer,” I tell him truthfully, “I have no control over selections.”

“Yeah, but what do they do? Do they go alphabetically? Pull names out of a hat?”

“I imagine they use a computer.”

“Yeah well the computer’s broken. I’ve been in here every single month for the past two years.”

“If you say so, sir. Empty your pockets please.”

“What did you just say?”

Uh oh. That just kind of slipped out. Now I’ve gone and woken the beast. It becomes clear that there’s no way he’s going to empty his pockets until I clarify my challenge.

“I mean, you haven’t been here every month for the past two years. You’re mistaken. Please empty your–”

“What do you mean, I’m mistaken? I’m telling you, I might as well just set up a cot in the back room there, as often as my boss sends me down here to drug test. I don’t know how they pick the names, but it ain’t random.”

“Okay. Now I just need you to empty your pockets–”

“Doesn’t this bother you at all? Not one bit, huh?”

Sigh.

“Does what bother me, sir?”

“You don’t care one bit that I’m being treated unfairly? That I have to come down here all the time while there are crackheads and burnouts at the shop who haven’t been tested in five years? You think that’s fair, huh?”

“Sir, if you have a problem with the selection process, you’ll need to take it up with your employer. I have no control over that.”

My lack of concern for this man’s insufferable plight is driving him to new levels of anger. It’s clear that he hates taking a drug test. Everyone does. But he doesn’t have the balls to actually bring it to his employer, so he’s taking it out on me. Oh joy.

“So what, you just get a list of names, and you don’t care, huh? Don’t care one bit that guys like me keep getting screwed while there are guys up there who smoke joints in the breakroom and never get tested?”

“I actually do get a list, once a month. If you want, I can pull all the lists dating back to 2003 and check them for you, to see if you really have been pulled more often than you should have.”

Stunned silence. He starts emptying his pockets.

“No, no point in you doing that. You just gotta do what you gotta do, you know? Grin and bear it, gotta break your back for a paycheck, making the rich man richer.”

“Fill this above the top of the temperature sticker, please. Bring the cup back to me when you’re done.”

Once his collection is finished and he’s out of my hair, I go pull the lists. He hasn’t been to my office since March 2004.

There are guys that get pulled more often than others. And there probably are guys at that shop who haven’t been pulled in five years. That’s what happens when your selection process is unpredictable. That is the very definition of the word “random”. In all honesty, he’s one of the luckier ones. There are guys who really have been pulled two months in a row, or more.

I feel like calling this guy’s boss, but I won’t. I know the bossman over there. If I called to tattle, his life would just take a turn for the miserable. He probably would end up on my list the next two or three times. And he certainly wouldn’t be complaining about it any more.

Oh well. Back to work…

One unlucky fellow was picked the last week of August ’05, and the first week of September. Which means he was in my office two days in a row, taking two separate drug tests. I don’t recall if he complained about it or not.