Survivor: Samoa, week five

Ah, the good ol’ Gross-Ass Smoothie challenge. Of all the Survivor challenge archetypes I think the Gross-Ass Smoothie is probably the cruellest. There’s a very strong sense of, just get it down you wussies. Gawd! Anyone can suffer through something gross, right? Well, no, not really; no more than people can just magically be strong swimmers or achieve perfect balance or fire a bow and arrow. Some people just have a weak stomach and a powerful gag reflex.

I sympathize, I really do.

So I’m not going to sit here and criticize Ashley for not finishing the last chunky swallow of her sea slug guts. That mess be stank. What I’m going to criticize is the over-the-top pep talk she got from Natalie back at camp, which was every bit as sickening as the sea slug guts. We get it, Natalie; Ashley botched the challenge and feels bad. It’s not the end of the world. People have botched challenges and come back from it. But to tell someone how proud you are of them for botching a challenge… well, it’s no wonder Foa Foa is in so much trouble.

Sometimes in Survivor, not often but sometimes, a tribe just flat out sucks. Foa Foa is such a tribe. I could barely believe how badly they did in the immunity challenge. To win, you have to throw coconuts in a net. The more weight in the net, the harder life is for the guy or girl holding the rope on the other side. White Russel and Liz had so much weight in their nets from Galu raining coconuts down on them I thought their arms were like to pop out of their sockets. Meanwhile the other tribe’s nets were so empty I’m not even sure Black Russel and Laura knew the challenge had started.

At one point Probst called out, ” Ashley has yet to sink a single coconut in this challenge.” If anyone coddled her back at camp after that fumble, nobody showed us.

Shambo tried to argue with Black Russel when he sent her away to spy again, because it meant she didn’t get to eat steaks with the rest of Galu. He later justified this by saying it was a consequence of Shambo losing the tribe’s chicken. Before Shambo complains too damn hard about that decision she should keep in mind that her tribe didn’t vote her off. She can pow-wow with the other tribe all she likes, but they’re not the ones voting for her yet. She should be more careful about what she crybabies about.

So I’ve watched a lot of Survivor, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen it as rainy and miserable as it was in this episode. Jaison’s hands looked like grey, withered prunes. Foa Foa didn’t even have the opportunity to do any pre-tribal scrambling; even Russel had to quit playing the game for the sake of dryness and warmth. A semi-big deal was made about the vote being “up in the air” as a result, but it didn’t look to me like it really was. Ashley, you can botch one challenge and bounce back, but botching two in a row is your ticket home. At least now I’ll be able to tell her apart from Natalie.

Who’s gonna win? I’m sticking with Russel for now, although it looks like we’re losing another player to injury next episode. Hopefully it’s Shambo, and we’ll be spared listening to her whine about getting unanimously voted off.