Sued, or whatever.

The reason I’m not sure about any of these things is that the whole thing never came to fruition. The grievance fizzled away without much ado at all, and the guy who filed it just sort of vanished.

The story is pretty interesting though, even though I didn’t get thrown in jail or fined $5000 or lose my job.

I was handling a stream of collections for my offices’s biggest client. This would be the one who insisted I open at 7:30 am, whom I’ve complained about here on several past occassions. Mr. Nervous was there waiting for his name to be called… and Mr. Nervous had a secret — he had a little bottle of urine squirrelled away on his person.

Maybe it was deep in a secluded pocket. Maybe it was tucked in his sock. Maybe it was up inside his… yeah. Point is, it was there. And he was afraid of getting caught. And that’s why he was nervous.

Also in the office this morning was my girlfriend. The routine was pretty simple: she would drop me off at my office at 8am and be at work on time herself by 8:30. The difference was, this morning I had to be in at 7:30 and it was too early for her to go clock in. Generally on these mornings she would just hang out at the office with me for twenty or thirty minutes and then take her leave.

Mr. Nervous stepped up to do his drug test, and the missus was sitting in my lobby nodding off. The stage was now set.

In the proud tradition of idiots who don’t know how to properly cheat on a drug test, Mr. Nervous had neglected to warm up the urine sample he bought to give me instead of his own. As a result, the temperature strip read that the contents of the sample cup were way too cold. I pointed this out to Mr. Nervous and he started to put up a little fight, until I mentioned that I would have to call his employer for authorization to do a second test.

A second, observed collection.

I made Mr. Nervous wait until the five guys behind him were taken care of. During this period my girlfriend kissed me good-bye and left my office. Soon Mr. Nervous and I were all alone, I placed a call to his boss, got authorization to do an observed collection, and we were good to go.

An observed collection is exactly that: the guy gives a second sample, except this time I get to watch. Lo and behold, this time Mr. Nervous’s sample was not only plenty warm, but smelled completely different. I made a note on the first form that the first sample was cold and send both samples to the lab.

Time passed, as time does.

I heard the good news from my boss. She called and asked, “Hey, when your girlfriend is in the office, she’s in the back, right?”

Keep in mind that my boss and I have the kind of relationship where, had I lied and said “yes” she would have taken my word for it and that would have been the end of it. We also have the kind of relationship where I don’t bother lying to my boss.

“Not usually,” was my answer, “she’ll usually hang out up front with me.”

“Is she there very often?”

“Just on my early days, she’ll stay here for about a half hour before it’s time for her to be at work.”

“Have you ever let her do a collection?”

“Absolutely not!”

This is the kind of place where I can usually think up a witty little joke to liven up the employer/employee banter. But the accusation is just so alarming that nothing but an outright denial is the only thing that will suffice. I remember years ago when I used to work at an ice cream store sometimes my friends would show up at closing time and help mop the floors. They did this for two reasons: I would get out of work earlier, and they would get free ice cream. It was a mutually beneficial arrangement and, besides, the worst thing that could happen was they could do a pisspoor job of mopping the floor, and I’d have to redo it.

There would be no benefit, mutual or otherwise, to allowing my girlfriend to do my job for me. It wouldn’t get me out of the office any faster and even if I did have the authority to offer her a free drug test, I doubt she’d want one.

“Absolutely not,” I repeated. “That’s ridiculous. Who said that?”

“Do you remember doing a collection that came back cold?”

“Yeah, for [company x]. I called [company x’s supervisor] and got permission to do an observed collection.”

“Okay, well, he’s filing a formal grievance against you. He said you denied his right to privacy and that your girlfriend saw him pee.”

Thank you, good-night.

“…wait, what?”

“He said your girlfriend saw him pee.”

“And that caused his sample to be cold?”

“I don’t know, but that’s what the complaint is.”

“It’s ludicrous.”

“I know.”

“From now on I won’t let any of my friends hang out here, in the back or not.”

“No, that’s not a problem, I just wanted to make sure you weren’t letting anyone else do collections or anything like that.”

“What, does this guy think my girlfriend has x-ray vision?”

“I have no idea.”

“Okay, well, should we be worried about this?”

“Nah, it’s no problem. But you’ll probably get a phone call from him.”

“Fun.”

Several hours later, I actually did get that phone call. Mr. Nervous sped through his monologue as quickly as possible without pause for breath. I would have bet a hundred bucks his lawyer was sitting next to him saying something like, “You have to call him and confront him with the charges, or legally nothing will stick.” It was pathetic.

It went a little something like this:

“This is Mr. Nervous, I’m notifyin’ you that I’m filin’ a grievance against you, because your girlfriend was there, and you have been notified that my lawyer will be present.”

I tried to reply, but he hung up.

I never learned where his lawyer would be present. Nor did I ever hear anything else about this entire situation, except to exchange a few lines about it next time Mr. Nervous’s ex-supervisor came into my office to pick up his forms.

Apparently, the case against my girlfriend having fantastic super powers struck Mr. Nervous as far too difficult to make. So he dropped it.

Make no mistake, Mr. Nervous’s old employer has strict policies concerning employees who try to cheat on a drug test. Strict, but not complicated: cheat, and you’re fired. Period. The punishment for cheating is actually worse than if you’d actually failed (in which case you go to rehab, but keep your job). That said, Mr. Nervous was undoubtedly fired.

Now, as I understand it, if Mr. Nervous was going to make a formal complaint against me, his employer would have had to take it seriously. The matter would have had to have been persued all the way to court if need be. He could have fought for his job. This actually happened to me on one occassion a few years back. But no, Mr. Nervous decided against that. He decided to lodge his complaint as a private citizen, which means his employer didn’t have to go to the mat for him. Of course, that means they would have gone to the mat for me instead.

Part of me really is really disappointed this whole matter just kind of… went away. I was really hoping the guy would try to push the matter. I was hoping for a court battle. I was hoping we’d get the chance to show his signature on two separate forms stating that both the urine that came back negative and the urine that came back positive were his urine. I was hoping we’d get to call the other guys in the office that day as witnesses… guys who had nothing to gain by sticking up for Mr. Nervous but everything to lose.

I was hoping the guy would call a local news station to try to kick-start a telling exposé on the drug test industry.

Alas, none of those things happened.

I’ve thought a bit at the mental process that goes into the things Mr. Nervous did. What was going through his mind? “Uh oh, I did a few lines the other day and now I’m going to fail a drug test. I’m going to be fired. I know! I’ll make up an insane story that nobody will believe about the drug test guy and get him fired too! I am a criminal mastermind!”

Pathetic.

For the record, my girlfriend actually does have x-ray vision. However, she uses her powers only for good, like any self-respecting superhero.