My crazy head is crazy (film at eleven)

Have you ever done that thing where you have some job or chore or obligation, and you somehow manage to convince yourself you’ve already done the job or completed the chore or met the obligation, and then just as the deadline is looming you realize you haven’t even started? Because I totally did that with today’s post. I thought I had written it last night before work, and in fact spent all night at work completely convinced I had written it. It wasn’t until I woke up today in a groggy stupor thinking, “Well, at least I don’t have to write a blog post!” The delusion actually persisted through half a bowl of cereal as I was trying to determine what, exactly, I had written about. When I couldn’t remember I logged onto my website to remind myself at which point I realized I was just completely retarded.

I thought up a name for this phenominon: involuntary procrastination. That’s when you put something off not because you don’t want to do it, but because you’ve convinced yourself it’s already done, for whatever reason. (Possibly because you’re retarded. Like I am.)

It’s like that dream everyone always has, in which you wake up, have your morning piss, shower, get dressed and eat breakfast. Except then you wake up, hungry and naked and having to pee… and irritated that you have to do your whole morning routine all over again. Only replace “dream” with “extraordinarily vivid hallucination” and you’ll be in the right ballpark.

Speaking of hallucinations! If you watched my vlog from last week you may be wondering how the whole “collections agency thinks Brick has senile dementia” thing panned out. Answer: it kind of fizzled away. In the least entertaining ending ever, I got a phone call saying the problem was all cleared up. Talk about a story that starts with a bang and ends with a whimper. Now I just have to find out how some collections agency got hold of my name/birthdate/address/social security number in the first place.

I’m betting supervillains.