The plot of every Lifetime Original Movie ever.

I don’t ever watch movies on Lifetime, but Peanut watches all of them, so over the course of the past few years I’ve seen lots of bits-and-pieces of crappy based-on-the-novel-by-Danielle-Steele TV movies. I’m pretty sure I’ve got the formula figured out.

• A strong and ravenously independent (yet still somehow vulnerable and naive) woman meets a handsome and wealthy man who she makes very clear she does not need in order to feel complete.
• They have a fairy tale romance.
• She doesn’t really want to marry him, but does anyway, because hell, why not.
• Despite the fact that she now lives in a palace with her new husband and wants for absolutely nothing while having the hottest sex you can have offscreen of a TV-14 production, Wifey is not content. Somehow this is her husband’s fault.
• Since she’s quit her job (for whatever reason) Wifey fills her days obsessing about her husband’s dark, mysterious past. (Variant: it’s her step-daughter’s dark, mysterious past.)
• Wifey does some research and turns up a string of dead ex-wives dating back to antiquity. This manifests as a montage of either internet research or newspaper archives, depending on how old the re-run is.
• Wifey finally turns up the answer, too horrible to bear, but doesn’t leave because why bother.
• She gets trapped in her giant, decadent house with her husband, who now knows she knows, so now she has to die like all the rest.
• The power goes out.
• DEUS EX MACHINA
• Wifey (now Widowey) summarizes the entire movie to her close friend and/or therapist, declaring that “everything will be alright now”.
• Dramatic musical crescendo aaaaaaaaaaand roll credits!