Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains, week five

The episode opens with Coach leading everyone in “Dragonslayer Chi” on the beach. Everyone’s playing along, especially Sandra and Courtney, who were openly mocking him. Everyone but Russell, who decided to play some Survivor instead and find him an immunity idol. This is why I loved Russell so much last season: he never stopped playing. Not once. Injury, illness, come rain or storm, hell or high water, he was in the game. Still, and I’m speaking directly to CBS here… guys? I’d like to submit a list of things I never, ever need to see again on Survivor. #1 is Coach doing tai chi, or dragon chi, or whatever Street Fighter bullshit he is out there doing. We get it — the guy likes to meditate and he doesn’t care if he looks silly. Point made. I’d rather watch Rupert popping a squat in the woods at this point. At least that would be new information. Does the bearded pirate prefer broad leaves, or tree bark? Inquiring minds want to know.

We’re coasting to the end of the tribal game now. and it’s interesting that the Heroes were never really playing it. It’s obvious the splintering of the tribe is affecting their challenges and their ability to win. They are, quite frankly, a bunch of losers. We see this time and again, season after season: one tribe can leave their baggage back at camp, and the other tribe can’t. It really is that simple.

I thought the reward challenge was kind of pointless. Just the thought about a huge feast of chocolate made me a little gaggy, and I haven’t been on the beach eating squid guts and rice for the better part of a month. When Probst walked a plate of chocolate over to give everyone a taste, Colby and some of the other Heroes did look legitimately pissed. I really thought, for once, we might see a tribe say “No, Jeff, that is not worth playing for.”

It turns out it wasn’t: James took a hard hit to the knee early in the challenge and was yanked out by medical. Of the challenge, that is, not the game. He tried to be Mr. Big Man, insisting there’s no pain, but the dude cannot walk. He is hobbling around with his big lovable James grin, secure in his numbers, because half the tribe is his unwavering fan club. Don’t get me wrong, I love James. I’ve loved James since his very first line in China, where he told Sister Superchristian that he buries people for a living. I was heartbroken when he was removed from Fans vs. Favorites due to a finger injury. Nothing would suck more right now than for him to get pulled again, because of this stupid knee thing, in a challenge for cookies and milk.

So the Heroes played the challenge a man down. I don’t think this was a serious disadvantage; if it were I’m sure Probst would have let Colby (who was sitting out) sub back in. They lost fair and square. No challenge, no James… great challenge guys. Good job. I did enjoy watching Rupert cold clock Jerri into a wall and then apologize for it. The apology was sincere, I’m sure, because this is Rupert we’re talking about… but some part of me still wants to believe that deep down, everyone just wants to punk Jerri’s stupid ass into a wall.

While enjoying their reward, Russell pulled Parvati and Coach in with him on his idol. Here’s something cool about Russell: he is a Survivor fan. He has watched every season, and has been trying to get on the show for years. This guy knows how the game is played inside and out, and has seen all of these people before. He knows Coach is as loyal and predictable as he is mentally challenged. He knows he needs to face off against much smarter players, and that a dumb vote is as good as a clever one when it comes to tribal. Meanwhile Boston Rob is out here admitting he “doesn’t know what to do with a hidden idol”. Rob, I have never played Survivor before, and I know what to do with a hidden idol. You find it, then you play it, or otherwise use it to improve your position. Has Rob even watched an episode of Survivor since he got married twelve seasons ago? If not he’s at a serious disadvantage here. This will be fun to watch.

Immunity was the always hilarious “blindfolded and bumpin’ into shit” challenge. The Heroes put James up as caller because, hey, he’s not good for much of anything else. James did an admirable job, getting all the puzzle pieces back first, but once again things immediately fell apart. The Villains snapped their puzzle together like they had a diagram and took home immunity once again.

It all came back down to J.T. Candice, Tom and Colby wanted to vote out James for obvious reasons. He’s hurt. He was fine in this challenge, where all he had to do was sit there and yell at people, but the next challenge is going to involve running out into the ocean and pulling up sandbags. Or hoisting a tribe member up on a plank and race them through an obstacle course. Added advantage: James is not part of their little group. Win/win, for them. On the other side you have Rupert, Amanda and James all gunning for Tom. Granted, Tom is not the beast of a man he was when he played in Palau. (We’ll chalk this up to being five years older, maybe.) But he’s not injured, and he can still help the team win.

Sometimes being the swing vote is a good position, and sometimes it’s a bad one. J.T. had his numbers on one side and his tribe on the other. What’s worse, now everyone knows he flipped on Cirie; his strategy to play dirty has been revealed. In the end he voted out Tom. A good move for him personally, since he’s in better with his allies and has removed a potential competitor. Possibly a bad move for his team, though.

On the other hand, Russell’s game involves purposely sabotaging his team to cause friction. Maybe it’s all part of the strategy.

Who’s gonna win? I still like Russell and J.T. But! I think Russell needs to look out. Parvati warned him this episode: she does not ride coat-tails. And she’s right. Just like Russell is using Coach as a tool to forward himself, so is Parvati using Russell. I think he’s smart enough to watch out for her, but underestimating Parvati got a lot of people burned last time she played. Russell plays a mean game, but just as in Samoa, it’s often risky. I hope he knows what he’s doing.