From 2005 to 2008 I maintained a blog about my experiences working in the drug test industry. Every Sunday I revive one of those experiences here. Today’s Friday, but since I’m short on time you’re getting Peemeister today and something new on Sunday. The following was originally posted August 19, 2005.
Number one question.
When someone meets me for the first time and I explain where I work, the first question they ask me varies depending on their own personal drug use.
Those who have partaken of recreational drugs very recently usually ask if I can give them any pointers on cheating their way through a drug test. And yes, sure, I will. It’s really not difficult and anyone with a basic level of education and intelligence can puzzle it out for themselves without too much trouble. A popular variant of this question would be to ask if I, personally, will help them cheat — and that’s a big fat resounding no sir buddy… but that’s neither here nor there.
Then there are those who make use of their favorite drug from time to time, but either have not done so in the past few days or, failing that, at least don’t have a drug test looming over their heads in the future. Free of the most pressing concerns, they like to ask how long drug [x] stays in your system. This question has no easy answer and reflects a variety of biological and lifestyle elements that I’m absolutely unqualified to decipher. In cases like these I can usually make up any old number and the inquiring party will be satisfied.
The question I am asked by people in no danger of potentially failing a drug test is, “So does anyone ever really try to cheat?”
Short answer, yes.
This is the story of my favorite cheater of all time, Mr. Duh. Nobody believes it when I tell it. Nobody believes someone can be as stupid as Mr. Duh.
The most popular method of cheating, as you would imagine, is to sneak in someone else’s pee. In the halfhearted spirit of counterbalancing this, I ask everyone who comes in to empty their pockets to ensure they don’t have anything stashed in their purse or jeans.
Now, that alone stymies more people than you could imagine. But as a second line of defense, every collection cup comes with a handy temperature-sensitive strip that shows me whether or not the pee falls inside the acceptable threshold of 90 to 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Keeping it in that temperature range is crucial if you’re trying to slip in your boyfriend’s pee instead of your own.
I don’t know what temperature Mr. Duh’s sample is, but I do know it’s well below the 90° mark.Standardt procedure at this point is to act all surprised, pretend the cup is broken, and pour the sample into a second cup with a second strip. When the second one comes back cold too, I make like I’m taken aback (it’s very,very important to never accuse someone of something, even if they’re guilty as sin) and request a second sample.
Mr. Duh says he can’t go again, and would it be okay if he came back tomorrow? I don’t really have a good reason to say no.
Mr. Duh doesn’t come back the next day; he’s back in ten minutes flat, doing the pee-pee dance, and no sooner has he stepped into my lobby does he blurt out, “I’m ready to go right now, man! And I heated it up this time!”
There’s an awkward pause as Mr. Duh very quickly realizes his error. Then, with nothing more than an “Aw, man,” he departs, never to be seen again.
If you read this post closely enough, congratulations! You now know how to successfully cheat on a drug test. Use this knowledge for good, kiddies.
Those who have partaken of recreational drugs very recently usually ask if I can give them any pointers on cheating their way through a drug test. And yes, sure, I will. It’s really not difficult and anyone with a basic level of education and intelligence can puzzle it out for themselves without too much trouble. A popular variant of this question would be to ask if I, personally, will help them cheat — and that’s a big fat resounding no sir buddy… but that’s neither here nor there.
Then there are those who make use of their favorite drug from time to time, but either have not done so in the past few days or, failing that, at least don’t have a drug test looming over their heads in the future. Free of the most pressing concerns, they like to ask how long drug [x] stays in your system. This question has no easy answer and reflects a variety of biological and lifestyle elements that I’m absolutely unqualified to decipher. In cases like these I can usually make up any old number and the inquiring party will be satisfied.
The question I am asked by people in no danger of potentially failing a drug test is, “So does anyone ever really try to cheat?”
Short answer, yes.
This is the story of my favorite cheater of all time, Mr. Duh. Nobody believes it when I tell it. Nobody believes someone can be as stupid as Mr. Duh.
The most popular method of cheating, as you would imagine, is to sneak in someone else’s pee. In the halfhearted spirit of counterbalancing this, I ask everyone who comes in to empty their pockets to ensure they don’t have anything stashed in their purse or jeans.
Now, that alone stymies more people than you could imagine. But as a second line of defense, every collection cup comes with a handy temperature-sensitive strip that shows me whether or not the pee falls inside the acceptable threshold of 90 to 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Keeping it in that temperature range is crucial if you’re trying to slip in your boyfriend’s pee instead of your own.
I don’t know what temperature Mr. Duh’s sample is, but I do know it’s well below the 90° mark.Standardt procedure at this point is to act all surprised, pretend the cup is broken, and pour the sample into a second cup with a second strip. When the second one comes back cold too, I make like I’m taken aback (it’s very,very important to never accuse someone of something, even if they’re guilty as sin) and request a second sample.
Mr. Duh says he can’t go again, and would it be okay if he came back tomorrow? I don’t really have a good reason to say no.
Mr. Duh doesn’t come back the next day; he’s back in ten minutes flat, doing the pee-pee dance, and no sooner has he stepped into my lobby does he blurt out, “I’m ready to go right now, man! And I heated it up this time!”
There’s an awkward pause as Mr. Duh very quickly realizes his error. Then, with nothing more than an “Aw, man,” he departs, never to be seen again.
If you read this post closely enough, congratulations! You now know how to successfully cheat on a drug test. Use this knowledge for good, kiddies.
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